SB and I talk about everything together, almost all the time, with seemingly nonstop banter. I can hardly think of anything that I was unwilling to chat about with him. Except one thing. Babies.
We have talked about how proud he is of his large bladder and apparently impressive bowel movements (I have declined invitations to verify this), personal hygiene beliefs, things we may try and things we will never try, feeeeelings, politics, religion, you name it.
Then last night before bed he very casually mentioned to me that he was surprised that we never discussed kids. Immediately the hairs on the back of my neck stood up. "Oh?" I asked, knowing quite well that this was true, "actually, we have briefly discussed it."
Sometime at the three month mark of our relationship it had become obvious to the two of us that the relationship was going somewhere. I had just let those three words fall out of my mouth to discover that he had felt those three words strongly within weeks of us getting together but had kept it inside because of the ludicrously short amount of time that we had been together. At this point we started talking more about our hopes and plans for the future- not our future together, but more like conversations to see if we were heading in the right direction. After discovering complimentary ideologies on life, death, and almost everything in between I treaded lightly into the shallow end of the baby pool.
I hesitantly told SB that I was undecided about children. He agreed that he was also and that was all I needed to hear. I moved on at lightning speed. As it turns out, both of us were only partially honest about our feelings, which is why this has been the one topic that neither of us has brought up. The fact is that I am more than undecided about children.
When I was 20 or so years old I was part of a group of over 200 students in a lecture hall who were asked to share how many children we thought we were going/wanting to have. There were a lot of hands raised for one child, more for two, some for three, a few for four, and still more hands raised for students who imagined having five or more children. There were only two hands raised for zero. I was one of the zeros. The surveyor told us that it was highly probable that how we felt at our young ages about children was going to remain throughout our lives. My classmates who have gotten around to reproducing have gone on to have the number of children that they said they would. I have continued to have none.
I tried to explain my feelings to SB in story form. When I was a teenager my older cousin was discussing with my aunt and uncle about her husband's desire for children and her reluctance at such a young age. Afterward, during the car ride home, I was deep in thought. Finally my uncle asked me what was on my mind. "What if I have children and they're stupid?" I asked. "I wouldn't mind if I had a disabled child but what if my child was just dumb? I would hate that."
Yes folks, that is what I thought about babies at the age where most young teenage women are starting to make their parents nervous. My family never had to worry about me getting knocked up young. I was well aware of the dire consequences: stupid children having stupider children.
My uncle assured me that this was highly unlikely because I would most likely choose a mate who was similarly intelligent and our chances of reproducing a similar child were good. SB would be a good choice for reproduction. But I did finally confess to him that unless he initiates the baby production process, there will be no small people. I adore him and adore my life with him and am completely happy to continue in this holding pattern. At the same time I have searched my soul and know that if he desires, then I will not feel burdened at all to have offspring with him. I do think that those little people are awfully cute, especially when they start developing personalities. I just also don't know that what the world needs are more people.
SB, on the other hand, claimed indifference, but what he really meant was not now. He always imagined a couple of rugrats somewhere in his future. I am nervous of why he wants to talk now but at least he's okay with my ambivalence and I am not being asked to consider a quintet.
He has been warned that this will not be a fast agreement. It will take negotiation before I agree to anything, six months advance notice at least. And we would probably have to make our relationship legal because my father would kill him otherwise. And that would take a few more months. As I am looking at it, I have at least a year to digest the idea of carrying aparasite, er I mean lovely little fetus, I mean baby before it becomes a reality.
We have talked about how proud he is of his large bladder and apparently impressive bowel movements (I have declined invitations to verify this), personal hygiene beliefs, things we may try and things we will never try, feeeeelings, politics, religion, you name it.
Then last night before bed he very casually mentioned to me that he was surprised that we never discussed kids. Immediately the hairs on the back of my neck stood up. "Oh?" I asked, knowing quite well that this was true, "actually, we have briefly discussed it."
Sometime at the three month mark of our relationship it had become obvious to the two of us that the relationship was going somewhere. I had just let those three words fall out of my mouth to discover that he had felt those three words strongly within weeks of us getting together but had kept it inside because of the ludicrously short amount of time that we had been together. At this point we started talking more about our hopes and plans for the future- not our future together, but more like conversations to see if we were heading in the right direction. After discovering complimentary ideologies on life, death, and almost everything in between I treaded lightly into the shallow end of the baby pool.
I hesitantly told SB that I was undecided about children. He agreed that he was also and that was all I needed to hear. I moved on at lightning speed. As it turns out, both of us were only partially honest about our feelings, which is why this has been the one topic that neither of us has brought up. The fact is that I am more than undecided about children.
When I was 20 or so years old I was part of a group of over 200 students in a lecture hall who were asked to share how many children we thought we were going/wanting to have. There were a lot of hands raised for one child, more for two, some for three, a few for four, and still more hands raised for students who imagined having five or more children. There were only two hands raised for zero. I was one of the zeros. The surveyor told us that it was highly probable that how we felt at our young ages about children was going to remain throughout our lives. My classmates who have gotten around to reproducing have gone on to have the number of children that they said they would. I have continued to have none.
I tried to explain my feelings to SB in story form. When I was a teenager my older cousin was discussing with my aunt and uncle about her husband's desire for children and her reluctance at such a young age. Afterward, during the car ride home, I was deep in thought. Finally my uncle asked me what was on my mind. "What if I have children and they're stupid?" I asked. "I wouldn't mind if I had a disabled child but what if my child was just dumb? I would hate that."
Yes folks, that is what I thought about babies at the age where most young teenage women are starting to make their parents nervous. My family never had to worry about me getting knocked up young. I was well aware of the dire consequences: stupid children having stupider children.
My uncle assured me that this was highly unlikely because I would most likely choose a mate who was similarly intelligent and our chances of reproducing a similar child were good. SB would be a good choice for reproduction. But I did finally confess to him that unless he initiates the baby production process, there will be no small people. I adore him and adore my life with him and am completely happy to continue in this holding pattern. At the same time I have searched my soul and know that if he desires, then I will not feel burdened at all to have offspring with him. I do think that those little people are awfully cute, especially when they start developing personalities. I just also don't know that what the world needs are more people.
SB, on the other hand, claimed indifference, but what he really meant was not now. He always imagined a couple of rugrats somewhere in his future. I am nervous of why he wants to talk now but at least he's okay with my ambivalence and I am not being asked to consider a quintet.
He has been warned that this will not be a fast agreement. It will take negotiation before I agree to anything, six months advance notice at least. And we would probably have to make our relationship legal because my father would kill him otherwise. And that would take a few more months. As I am looking at it, I have at least a year to digest the idea of carrying a
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