I have been on a roller coaster of a week, emotionally speaking. With SB's declaration of wuv and commitment I have entered perhaps a zen-like state of mind...if I knew what zen-like really was. First I was excited, then scared (whoa, this is happening so fast all of a sudden), then excited again. I was pretty sure that I knew from almost the moment we met that we would always be together but I guess the hiccups along the way put my visions of happily ever after on the storage shelf next to "learn to weave" and "raise my own chickens." It was an intended goal, but perhaps not for the moment.
I always knew that SB would get there, but not quickly. Being ready to commit yourself to one person takes time and like I said, he is Hamlet. While I decided in the first month together that this was it and skipped happily along after that, he has pondered and agonized and probably constructed large charts and models to calculate when his moment of "aha" would come. He told me that it was immensely relieving when I once confessed to him that in the height of our troubles I had experienced doubt.
Of course I had doubt! I also had insecurity, sadness, craziness, and anger. I let my fear of his past get in the way. I was overwhelmed by outside forces in our relationship. But that did not mean that I did not believe in our future. I loved him throughout the ups and downs. And it was easy to do with all the ups.
Now that we have decided, I guess our last two steps are the ring and the wedding. He is planning the proposal and that excites me. But I think I am more excited that we are both committed than I am about him proposing. I'm sure it will be lovely and romantic because it is coming from him, but is it weird to just want to stay like this a bit longer? I am suddenly free to look at him and think, he wants to marry me! I can finally say that I no longer have worry. I want to savor this moment and make it last, but for how long? Is there an expiration date for how long you can wait from yes to I do? Why is it that SB is suddenly so ready that he has passed my readiness? Is it my turn to grow up?
I always knew that SB would get there, but not quickly. Being ready to commit yourself to one person takes time and like I said, he is Hamlet. While I decided in the first month together that this was it and skipped happily along after that, he has pondered and agonized and probably constructed large charts and models to calculate when his moment of "aha" would come. He told me that it was immensely relieving when I once confessed to him that in the height of our troubles I had experienced doubt.
Of course I had doubt! I also had insecurity, sadness, craziness, and anger. I let my fear of his past get in the way. I was overwhelmed by outside forces in our relationship. But that did not mean that I did not believe in our future. I loved him throughout the ups and downs. And it was easy to do with all the ups.
Now that we have decided, I guess our last two steps are the ring and the wedding. He is planning the proposal and that excites me. But I think I am more excited that we are both committed than I am about him proposing. I'm sure it will be lovely and romantic because it is coming from him, but is it weird to just want to stay like this a bit longer? I am suddenly free to look at him and think, he wants to marry me! I can finally say that I no longer have worry. I want to savor this moment and make it last, but for how long? Is there an expiration date for how long you can wait from yes to I do? Why is it that SB is suddenly so ready that he has passed my readiness? Is it my turn to grow up?
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