Just like that, poof, he changed. Looking back, I think it was actually a two year long process, but the big change happened suddenly.
I thought we were in for another bad night. SB paused for a very long time and then began clearing his throat, which he only does when he is unsure of how to proceed. After much throat clearing he finally told me that a certain former friend had contacted him again. I immediately felt my eyes filling with tears but was able to force them back. Another long pause followed before I finally said the words that I had been dreading to say. "I know how much X's friendship meant to you and if you two are ready to be friends again then I will do my best to deal with it and be happy for you." He reminded me that he knew this. Almost exactly one year ago when X withdrew the friendship I had told SB that I felt bad for him and was sorry that it had come to this.
X and SB had been friends for many, many, many years. I was slightly aware of X even before SB and I began dating because we began as friends and he had confided in me about a very complicated friendship. He wanted to be friends forever. He liked having X's friendship but lately they had been arguing and SB was constantly being accused of being selfish and ruining X's life. Then the problems seemed to go away and they were friends again, often chatting on the phone together on a weekly basis. Then SB and I started dating. A few months into our relationship he got an angry phone call. X felt neglected. X decided to feel better by attacking SB's self esteem. Then X decided to start making fun of me. Despite having never met me X pretty much stalked me from SB's Facebook profile and then launched an attack.
I won't go into the gory details but I will say this: the attack went on for more than a year. It was mostly about X being unable (unwilling) to find happiness. SB's happiness was unbearable but X was unable to refrain from quizzing SB about very intimate details of our relationship and then go ballistic. I was furious at SB. I could not understand how he was willing to allow this person to cause so much nuisance to our relationship. SB's pleaded for me to let him handle things in his own way but he was entirely ineffective. Worse, he kept allowing X to harrass and demean him and attack our relationship through words of "advice."
We finally agreed that some boundaries needed to be enforced. If SB was too oblivious (unwilling) to recognize when someone was interfering, then he was not to talk about the two of us to X at all. They could discuss anything else but not a word about our relationship. Within a few months of SB refusing to discuss me with X, he was summoned and fired from their friendship. SB was very sad about it. I was sad for him but relieved for myself. I told him at the time that they would be friends again someday. It wasn't the first time SB was told that they were no longer friends."No, I think X is serious this time," he said. I turned my head so he wouldn't see me rolling my eyes. "X will be back with a vengeance."
And I was right. I did think that I would have more than just one year of respite. I could feel the tears of self pity welling up again. And then he surprised me.
"Well, actually X wrote to me a month ago."
"Oh? Wait, why are you telling me this."
SB took another long pause. "I do want to be friends with X again one day. We will be friends again one day, I hope. But for now I am not ready. I am not going to write back to X until things are settled between you and me."
"What things?"
"I want to marry you."
Oh. When things were tough over a year and a half ago, I was unhappy that SB would not grow up and stop letting people walk all over him because he wanted to be liked. After I gave up and decided that I loved him anyway, he went ahead and changed.
"Umm...was that a proposal?"
"No."
"Oh thank goodness."
I thought we were in for another bad night. SB paused for a very long time and then began clearing his throat, which he only does when he is unsure of how to proceed. After much throat clearing he finally told me that a certain former friend had contacted him again. I immediately felt my eyes filling with tears but was able to force them back. Another long pause followed before I finally said the words that I had been dreading to say. "I know how much X's friendship meant to you and if you two are ready to be friends again then I will do my best to deal with it and be happy for you." He reminded me that he knew this. Almost exactly one year ago when X withdrew the friendship I had told SB that I felt bad for him and was sorry that it had come to this.
X and SB had been friends for many, many, many years. I was slightly aware of X even before SB and I began dating because we began as friends and he had confided in me about a very complicated friendship. He wanted to be friends forever. He liked having X's friendship but lately they had been arguing and SB was constantly being accused of being selfish and ruining X's life. Then the problems seemed to go away and they were friends again, often chatting on the phone together on a weekly basis. Then SB and I started dating. A few months into our relationship he got an angry phone call. X felt neglected. X decided to feel better by attacking SB's self esteem. Then X decided to start making fun of me. Despite having never met me X pretty much stalked me from SB's Facebook profile and then launched an attack.
I won't go into the gory details but I will say this: the attack went on for more than a year. It was mostly about X being unable (unwilling) to find happiness. SB's happiness was unbearable but X was unable to refrain from quizzing SB about very intimate details of our relationship and then go ballistic. I was furious at SB. I could not understand how he was willing to allow this person to cause so much nuisance to our relationship. SB's pleaded for me to let him handle things in his own way but he was entirely ineffective. Worse, he kept allowing X to harrass and demean him and attack our relationship through words of "advice."
We finally agreed that some boundaries needed to be enforced. If SB was too oblivious (unwilling) to recognize when someone was interfering, then he was not to talk about the two of us to X at all. They could discuss anything else but not a word about our relationship. Within a few months of SB refusing to discuss me with X, he was summoned and fired from their friendship. SB was very sad about it. I was sad for him but relieved for myself. I told him at the time that they would be friends again someday. It wasn't the first time SB was told that they were no longer friends."No, I think X is serious this time," he said. I turned my head so he wouldn't see me rolling my eyes. "X will be back with a vengeance."
And I was right. I did think that I would have more than just one year of respite. I could feel the tears of self pity welling up again. And then he surprised me.
"Well, actually X wrote to me a month ago."
"Oh? Wait, why are you telling me this."
SB took another long pause. "I do want to be friends with X again one day. We will be friends again one day, I hope. But for now I am not ready. I am not going to write back to X until things are settled between you and me."
"What things?"
"I want to marry you."
Oh. When things were tough over a year and a half ago, I was unhappy that SB would not grow up and stop letting people walk all over him because he wanted to be liked. After I gave up and decided that I loved him anyway, he went ahead and changed.
"Umm...was that a proposal?"
"No."
"Oh thank goodness."
Comments
You wouldn't marry either.