Some friends and I were having a discussion of what behavior is forgivable/unforgivable in a relationship. We disagreed with each other on everything from cheating to lying to criminal behavior. Then we tried to break it down on case by case scenarios. I presented the case of my other friend, R, whose girlfriend cheated on him. Except that she claimed it wasn't really cheating when she was caught out because she hadn't been having vaginal intercourse. Yes, you read that correctly. Because she was taking it up the butt she decided that she wasn't cheating. I felt that R's life was pretty much ruined after that. He used to be a handsome guy with a great personality, and good job but he transformed into a brooding, sarcastic jerk who was attractive enough to still date a lot of women who he treated terribly. My relationship with his is based on memories how how nice he used to be and pity for what has changed him.
So the friends agreed that the ex's version of cheating was unforgivable but we still couldn't agree on where the line was. This moved into a conversation of what constituted as a life ruining experience. Well, I had a story to share about that as well.
I begin by whining that I didn't start it.
When I was a freshman in university and living in Washington DC I met a boy on the rugby pitch who I shall name Tool. Tool had transferred mid-year and did not have a lot of friends so I invited him to join me for dinner. We had a few dinners at the university dining hall together and then he started spending time with the other boys from the men's rugby team and I didn't see him so much. A month passed and then he started paying attention to me again. My friend Jeff did not seem to like me spending time with Tool and told me that Tool was a tool but I thought that maybe Jeff was jealous that I was spending time with a teammate. Tool and I seemed well matched because we were in the same major, both played rugby, and both were punk rock fans.
One day after class, I asked Tool to go with me to see my favorite punk band, Face to Face. He agreed and invited me to a fraternity party afterward. So we went on a date. We listened to an amazing band, we went to a frat party and drank too much crappy beer. He walked me home and after making out at my front door, I let him into the dorm. We continued to kiss for a few minutes until the oxygen deprivation caused me to become very aware that my head was spinning and then I escorted him back outside. The last thing I remember was that I told him that I had fun and he agreed.
The next morning I woke up and told my roommates all about my fun date. They teased me about my crush. Later that afternoon I received a call from Jeff. He was calling to tell me that Tool had told everyone on the team that the two of us had slept together. I couldn't believe it and was sure that Jeff misheard. Jeff and two other teammates came over to explain to me that they had not misheard and that Tool had shown up at their house to brag. My roommates assured them that Tool was only in our suite for five minutes and never left the lounge area.
Later that day, another guy who I wasn't too acquainted with approached me in the campus store to share that he heard that I was denying that Tool and I hooked up. "We didn't," I said firmly. It was clear that most of the team wanted to believe the more salacious story. Well, I would give them something to gossip about. "We would have hooked up," I found myself saying, "but Tool couldn't get it up." Gossip guy's eyes became wide in shock so I repeated myself, "Little Tool stayed that way so there was no physical way that we could have hooked up."
I never got another comment about hooking up with Tool. Apparently my story got around the whole team. Tool stopped going to training and he transferred to yet another university at the end of the semester.
Being a male, Jeff admitted that when the guys were teasing Tool he actually felt bad for him. I sometimes feel bad but I think it is only because I have empathy for anyone who feels embarrassed. I even hate watching scenes in movies where the character does something embarrassing. Yes, I lied and caused him a lot of humiliation but he did it to me first.
But I do hope that he moved on to be a lesser Tool at another university and what happened had no lasting effect on him or his psyche.
So the friends agreed that the ex's version of cheating was unforgivable but we still couldn't agree on where the line was. This moved into a conversation of what constituted as a life ruining experience. Well, I had a story to share about that as well.
I begin by whining that I didn't start it.
When I was a freshman in university and living in Washington DC I met a boy on the rugby pitch who I shall name Tool. Tool had transferred mid-year and did not have a lot of friends so I invited him to join me for dinner. We had a few dinners at the university dining hall together and then he started spending time with the other boys from the men's rugby team and I didn't see him so much. A month passed and then he started paying attention to me again. My friend Jeff did not seem to like me spending time with Tool and told me that Tool was a tool but I thought that maybe Jeff was jealous that I was spending time with a teammate. Tool and I seemed well matched because we were in the same major, both played rugby, and both were punk rock fans.
One day after class, I asked Tool to go with me to see my favorite punk band, Face to Face. He agreed and invited me to a fraternity party afterward. So we went on a date. We listened to an amazing band, we went to a frat party and drank too much crappy beer. He walked me home and after making out at my front door, I let him into the dorm. We continued to kiss for a few minutes until the oxygen deprivation caused me to become very aware that my head was spinning and then I escorted him back outside. The last thing I remember was that I told him that I had fun and he agreed.
The next morning I woke up and told my roommates all about my fun date. They teased me about my crush. Later that afternoon I received a call from Jeff. He was calling to tell me that Tool had told everyone on the team that the two of us had slept together. I couldn't believe it and was sure that Jeff misheard. Jeff and two other teammates came over to explain to me that they had not misheard and that Tool had shown up at their house to brag. My roommates assured them that Tool was only in our suite for five minutes and never left the lounge area.
Later that day, another guy who I wasn't too acquainted with approached me in the campus store to share that he heard that I was denying that Tool and I hooked up. "We didn't," I said firmly. It was clear that most of the team wanted to believe the more salacious story. Well, I would give them something to gossip about. "We would have hooked up," I found myself saying, "but Tool couldn't get it up." Gossip guy's eyes became wide in shock so I repeated myself, "Little Tool stayed that way so there was no physical way that we could have hooked up."
I never got another comment about hooking up with Tool. Apparently my story got around the whole team. Tool stopped going to training and he transferred to yet another university at the end of the semester.
Being a male, Jeff admitted that when the guys were teasing Tool he actually felt bad for him. I sometimes feel bad but I think it is only because I have empathy for anyone who feels embarrassed. I even hate watching scenes in movies where the character does something embarrassing. Yes, I lied and caused him a lot of humiliation but he did it to me first.
But I do hope that he moved on to be a lesser Tool at another university and what happened had no lasting effect on him or his psyche.
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