how do you live with yourself?

Once in a while I need to reaffirm my purpose in life, or at least the purpose of my career in life.  Maybe it's because I don't want children so I can't count on someone else continuing to validate my existence or finish my work.  There are days when I feel like I am actually doing something that makes a blip of difference to someone else's existence and other times I feel like I am running in a hamster wheel, basically just taking up valuable space and oxygen.  I wonder what would happen if some authority began running an audit on how much oxygen one should be allowed based on their contribution to existence.

I am fortunate in many ways because on the career front I have actual tangible results for my efforts that can be measured.  My job is nowhere near perfect and I have many days when I arrive home late at night, exhausted and frustrated from spinning my wheels.  I also have days when I am energized and excited that I can contribute something positive to the built environment.  I would say that my work can be divided into three categories:

1. Wow, I am doing something useful and beautiful that will hopefully benefit someone: my swimming pool project makes me feel this way.  It is being built on a brownfield site so no wilderness was cut down, it is going to achieve at least a gold BEAM rating (hopefully platinum), it provides a service to the community and it is attractive in appearance;
2. Well, this is the best of the situation: I am working on a ridiculously expensive residential tower on a new site but if we didn't provide the building someone else would have.  What we have done is ensured minimum adverse environmental impact (no podium and smallest footprint achievable), platinum BEAM rating and it looks really, really nice and blends into the hillside.
3. This really sucks and I hate my life and hate my job: I began working on a project that seemed perfect as it was closely related to both of my graduate degrees as well as similar to my thesis topic but the problem was that I was uninterested in master planning for a site that had great ecological and heritage value.  Yes, someone would have developed it anyway, but I was appalled.  I only got as far as setting up a framework of what to consider for a viable, new community but then begged off from the project and irritated my boss.  At least I can sleep with myself.

In the end, someone will live with what I have done and I hope that I can live with it also.
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