Sunday, December 4, 2011

the awkward turtle

The tutorial:
  1. The awkward turtle is what happens when one experiences bumbling conversation, TMI over sharing, unintentional insults or any number of communication blunders. 
  2. When first experiencing mild conversational discomfort, place your hand on top of the other, palms up (some people prefer palms down but it isn't so awkward that way).
  3. Move your thumbs back and forth in a sweeping motion when the conversation becomes cringe worthy, like the flippers of a turtle that has been upended onto its shell.
  4. Use the awkward turtle whenever necessary rather than wringing your hands.
An example:
(at an evening match, upon seeing an acquaintance)
Me: Are you  playing the next game?
Acq: No, I just felt like getting here early.
Other acquaintance: How's it going with your girlfriend?
(she recently moved in with him)
Me: It's nice that you get to see each other more often.
Acq: She's moving out right now.
*Insert awkward turtle*

Two weeks later:
(at an evening match)
Same acquaintance has previously moving out girlfriend up against the rails and is trying to dislodge her tonsils with his tongue while everyone tries to look in other directions.
*Insert awkward turtle*

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