Monday, January 7, 2013

wanting a restart

Well, 2013 has not gotten off to a great start.  SB's father passed away; it was unexpected by his family.  He had refused to share the results of his medical checkups with anyone so unfortunately they had to guess at his condition and were unprepared for this.  I had a better idea because my sister's job specializes in sarcoma. Even though SB's father wouldn't share his medical records with her, she could see the signs.  I was in an awkward position that I suspected what was going to happen but also knew that SB's father wanted to keep the information secret.  I didn't say anything, not even to SB.  I will have to live with my decision and all the hindsight implications but on the other hand if my guesses had been wrong I would have caused a lot of undue angst and worry.  I hoped to be wrong.

SB doesn't want me to join him for the funeral and rest of his stay.  He doesn't want me to offer comfort and I have to respect that even though I think that he is handling this weirdly, but I often think that I know better.  He has decided to spend the week in NYC with childhood friends so at least he is with people who grew up with him and know his family.  He will return to Elmira only for the funeral and then take off again.

When my uncle died, my cousin told me that he was grateful that his father kept the family close.  His mother had succumbed to breast cancer two years previously and he described her demise as similar to a dog crawling under a porch to die.  She was bitter about the diagnosis and depressed at how she looked, and so she literally locked her door and cut off all communication with her children and grandchildren.

I have a lot that I want to say but I need to respect SB's privacy; there are a lot of unresolved issues that I won't unleash.  All we can do is look forward and keep moving.

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